Robertus Picks a Winner!

On a cool and rainy April night, I laid my head down on the glass coffee table beside the burgundy couch, and closed my eyes, dreaming of hockey pucks and knuckleballs. And when I awoke, three games had passed in the first round of the Eastern Conference playoffs. Somehow, the Rangers had not yet been eliminated.

To the East, to the East

Ottawa (1) vs. City of Tampa (8)

When last a team did sip from the Chalice of Victory, it was the City of Tampa Lightning wetting their whistles. Led by veteran (read: old) Dave Andreychuk, Nikolai Khabibulin, playoff MVP ("Conn Smythe") Brad Richards, Martin St. Louis, and perrenial Thomas Klouczek Memorial Award favorite Vincent "It's Vinny" Lecavalier, the Lightning won out over the Calgary Flames in an outstanding seven-game series. The sun descended on the NHL.

When next the sun shone on the Lightning, Andreychuk had retired to a beach in sunny Nova Scotia and Khabibulin signed in sunny Chicago, and the Lightning found themselves struggling to defend Lord Stanley's Cup.

The Senators, in the meantime, returned one-time Next One Jason Spezza, the formerly hirstute scoring machine Daniel Alfredsson, former New York Islanders Wade Redden and Zdeno Chara, and 240-year-old goalie Dominik Hasek. Already a favorite to win the East (even I picked them), they shipped prima donna Marian "Stop Calling Me Maid" Hossa and Greg "Rules" DeVries off to Atlanta in exchange for the Most Recent Next One Dany Heatley. Fifty goals and 103 points later, I'd say that trade has worked out rather well.

Robertus Predicts! Despite the goaltending questions, the Senators have far too many weapons for the City of Tampa. Somehow, this fact led one commentator to pick the Lightning in seven, leading Robertus to wonder, again, aloud How many Stanley Cups have you won, Scott Burnside?.

Ottawa in five.

Carolina (2) vs. Montreal (7)

Led by the solid goaltending of Martin "404ed" Gerber and the veteran (read: old) presence of Doug Weight, Ray Whitney, and Rod Brind'Amour, and urged on by most of their fifteen fans, the Carolina Hurricanes surprised many columnists named Robertus this season with their inspired play, finishing one point behind the Senators in the East, and taking the Southeastern division handily over first loser City of Tampa. Very quietly, or so it seemed to me, former New York Islanders coach Peter Laviolette pointed his team toward their second Stanley Cup finals.

Led by veterans Alexi Kovalev and... veteran Alexi Kovalev, the Montreal Canadians surprised precisely nobody. The only shocker perhaps being the emergence of Cristobal "Who" Huet as a legitimate French Canadian goaltender in the mold of Patrick Roy or Andre "Red Light" Raciot, to speak not of erstwhile Roy heir Jose Theodore (unceremoniously dumped off to Colorado at the trade deadline straight up for Roy benchwarmer David Aebischer).

Robertus Predicts! Although the common wisdom says "go with the higher seed," I can't shake the feeling that a hot Huet could be the difference maker in this series. Although the common wisdom says "Robertus, your gut led you to pick Pittsburgh to win the Atlantic," I can't keep from going back. I am nothing if not stubborn. Montreal in seven.

Added Bonus! As an added bonus for all of my French Canadian readers (I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing), I have decided to post all Montreal Canadian items in English and French! Unfortunately, I don't speak a word of French, and so I've decided to let the Internet do the translating for me! For extra fun, use the Internet to translate the following back into English!

Now, for the first time, I present Robertus En Francais.

Carolne (2) vs. Montréal (7)

Mené par goaltending plein de Martin "404ed" Gerber et le vétéran (lu : la vieille) présence du Doug Weight, du Ray Whitney, et du Rod Brind'Amour, et recommandé dessus par la plupart de leurs quinze ventilateurs, les ouragans de la Caroline a étonné beaucoup de chroniqueurs appelés Robertus cette saison avec leur jeu inspiré, finissant un point derrière les sénateurs dans l'est, et prenant la première ville de perdant d'excédent du sud-est de division maniablement de Tampa. Très tranquillement, ou ainsi il a semblé à moi, l'ancien entraîneur Peter Laviolette d'insulaires de New York a dirigé son équipe vers leurs deuxièmes finales de tasse de Stanley.

Mené par des vétérans Alexi Kovalev et... le vétéran Alexi Kovalev, les Canadiens de Montréal n'a étonné avec précision personne. Le seul shocker peut-être étant l'apparition de Cristobal "qui" Huet en tant que guardien de but canadien français légitime dans le moule de Patrick Roy ou d'André "lumière rouge" Raciot, pour parler pas de l'héritier d'autrefois Jose Theodore de Roy (sans cérémonie vidé au loin au Colorado à la date-limite commerciale directement vers le haut pour benchwarmer David Aebischer de Roy).

Robertus Prévoit! Bien que la sagesse commune indique "allez avec la graine plus haute," je ne peux pas secouer le sentiment qu'un Huet chaud pourrait être le fabricant de différence de cette série. Bien que la sagesse commune indique "Robertus, votre intestin vous a mené à sélectionner Pittsburgh pour gagner l'Océan atlantique," je ne peux pas garder de retourner. Je ne suis rien si non têtu. Montréal dans sept.

Bonification Supplémentaire! Comme bonification supplémentaire pour tous mes lecteurs canadiens français (je sais que vous êtes dehors là, je peux vous entendre respirer), j'ai décidé de signaler tous les articles canadiens de Montréal en anglais et français ! Malheureusement, je ne parle pas un mot de Français, et ainsi j'ai décidé laisse l'Internet fais la traduction pour moi! Pour l'amusement supplémentaire, employez l'Internet pour traduire le suivant de nouveau dans l'anglais pour vous!

News Flash! ESPN is reporting that sure-fire draft pick and former University of Southern California quarterback Matt Leinart had breakfast this morning! Details forthcoming. Now back to our irregularly scheduled weblog.

New Jersey (3) vs. New York (6)

Sitting back on the burgundy couch, I often find myself thinking fondly of my early youth, those odd peewee or bantam seasons when my team would somehow make the playoffs. Without fail, we would lose in the first round, and a coach or parent, attempting to heal our crushed and shattered hearts, would utter "at least you can say you made the playoffs."

To this, my Rangers, take note from The Big Lebowski, strong men also cry, strong men also cry.

Robertus Predicts Devils in Five

Buffalo (4) vs. Philadelphia (5)

Unfortunately, the Senators v. City of Tampa game has just come on the Outdoor Life Network, and the ADD is acting up, and I'm horribly, horribly distracted by John Tortorella's nose hairs and Tim Novak's line calls. Tim Novak once came to teach a referee clinic, and he skated me so hard I felt like throwing up for a month. For no other reason, I'm spending as much of this off season as possible on the treadmill. But I digress.

Robertus Predicts! Buffalo in six. Hooray common wisdom!

Robertus Picks A Winner!

With a shade over four hours to go, and armed with absolutely no up-to-date information, I will forthwith predict the winners of the following NHL Playoff series.

To The West, To The West
Detroit (1) vs. Edmonton (8)

Earlier this week, I read a commentator question whether the netminding tandem of Chris Osbad and Manny “We Have to Take Him, He’s A” Legace is “Stanley Cup worthy.” One hesitates to point out that both Osbad and Legace have won the Stanley Cup. Granted, Osgood won his cup eight years ago, and Legace was nailed to the bench behind Dominik Hasek in 2002, but how many Cups have you won, Scott Burnside?

Robertus Predicts: Woe betide the Detroit Red Wings, for Robertus has picked thee to win in five.

Dallas (2) vs. Colorado (7)

I was prepared to write a long, flowing essay on the beauty of the upcoming Mavericks v. Nuggets playoff series, only to realize too late that (a) this was the Dallas Stars and (b) I don’t know anything about basketball.

You know, except about the basket. And the ball.

Anyway, Dallas has been solid all season, and, although my fingers were excited by the prospect of typing “Budaj” over and over, Colorado is starting Jose Theodore in net. The last few years have not treated Theodore kindly, and I don’t expect the Dallas front lines will, either. Sakic will need to be in miracle worker form for Colorado to stand much of a chance.

Budaj.
Robertus Predicts: The Stars at night, are shining bright *clap clap clap clap* deep in the heart of five games.

Calgary (3) vs. Anaheim (6)

Robertus’ preseason pick to sip from the Chalice of Victory faces off against The Anaheim Mighty Ducks of Anaheim in a rematch of the 2004 Western Conference Finals. This is a troubling pick, dear Reader, as the Ducks have all the momentum in the world and are now the “sexy pick” for an upset. The Ducks have played a house on fire style of hockey, and Kiprusoff will have to play out of his mind to make up for the Flame’s lack of offense. Should Giguere prove to be a brick wall to the offensively underwhelming Flames, my preseason pick will go down in… well, flames.
But then, ma always told me it’s best to dance with them what brung you.

Robertus Predicts: Flames in seven hair raising, life-shortening games.

Nashville (4) vs. San Jose (5)

Back in September, I wrote

San Jose sportswriters will get to type "Johnathan Cheechoo (Moose Factory, Ontario)" well into the Spring of 2006.

For most of the season, it looked like San Jose sportswriters would be following “Johnathan Cheechoo (Moose Factory, Ontario)" with “played golf throughout the Spring of 2006,” until the arrival of Joe Thorton at the trade deadline. Suddenly, the Sharks are on a tear heading into the playoffs, and Cheechoo has roared on to score 56 goals. The Predators would need to lean heavily on the titanic goaltending of Thomas Vokoun, were he not sidelined for the season by a “blood condition” (read: vampires). With Vokoun sidelined by vampires, the Predators are relying on Chris “Stop Calling Me Perry” Mason stop the flow of pucks into the back of their net. Although who-dat goaltenders have a history of heating up in the playoffs (Johan Hedberg, anyone?), it’s difficult to think that he could put the brakes on Thorton and Cheechoo.

Robertus Predicts San Jose in five.

Coming Soon! Robertus brings woe and ruination to The Eastern Conference!

Robertus Roundup!

Somebody Notify the Pulitzer Committee!

Apparently, spurned on by my broadside, Spencer opened his new site, The Senturion earlier this week. Today, in his usual Sencentric style, he takes on the dismissal of Pat Quinn, late of cross-province rival Toronto Maple Leafs. In short, it is a move that should have surprised nobody.

On Craig Patrick

Surprising, however, was today’s dismissal of Craig Patrick from the Pittsburgh Penguins organization. Patrick famously drafted everyone’s favorite mullet-wearing Czechoslovakian into the league, leading the Stanley Cup to Pittsburgh front-to-back years in the early ‘90s. The move, undoubtedly a preamble to a sale, leaves the Penguins ship rudderless. Sadly, it was already engineless, windowless, and mastless. Sources declined comment on whether the deck was on fire.

The new owners would do wise to remember that Patrick is already in the Hall of Fame, and it is extremely unlikely that the New NHL has passed him by.

Robertus at the Bat!

This spring, I was asked to play on a beer-league softball team with a few friends. I hadn’t picked up a baseball in about two years, hadn’t swung a bat in five, and hadn’t played organized ball in at least 15. As a bonus, I ran like Sid Bream in my prime.

Never before deterred by facts, I accepted the invitation. Here, I present to you my career stats:

GP: 1, AB: 4, H: 3, BA: 0.750, 2B: 1, 3B: 0, HR: 0; R: 2, RBI: 3, E: 1, DFP*: 2

*DFP, damn fool plays, or plays during which I looked like a damn fool. Scouts have projected me to lead the league in this statistic.

Coming Soon!

Robertus dashes the hopes of eight playoff teams by selecting them to advance in their respective series, breaks up the Mets, and ponders whether there is beer-league softball in Canada.

Robertus Returns!

And so, six months pass in the click of a mouse, and Robertus fell dormant, silent, too caught up in my own hockey season, girlfriend, and stupid computer games to pay attention to the League National du Hockey.

And what a season it was, I was ignoring, evidenced by the entirely incorrect preseason predictions, that the Rangers have made the playoffs three years ahead of schedule, that The Outdoor Life Network has not gone out of business.

Springtime finds me back on the burgundy couch without a season, soured on the stupid computer game (my girlfriend has not left me yet), taking some solace that Spencer has not won his Pulitzer yet, set to watch the playoffs in High Def, and talk to you, mon amie, about sports.

Yours always,

R.