Robertus Runs!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm proud to present to you the First Quasiannual Robertus Runs running diary of Game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals!

8:00:Coming to you live from the burgundy couch, in stunning High Definition, fresh from a post-run shower, it's time for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, only on NBC. And CBC. Hoser.

8:02: Eddie O relates that "two things must happen for Carolina to win the Cup: More discipline and fewer penalties." He neglects to mention that Carolina must score more goals than Edmonton.

8:03: David Hasselhoff, Brandy: America's Got Talent!

8:04: Uninteresting local car dealer commercials, I step away to boil the water for dinner.

8:07: I return to Bill Clement calling game 7 "the ultimate dessert" (two esses, because you want seconds). I'm hoping the ultimate dessert will be whatever ice cream my girlfriend is bringing over aaaany minute now.

8:08: Aaaaany minute now.

8:10: Four words. Rod Brind'Amour. High Definition.

8:11: Brind'Amour. One word, or two. Discuss among yourself while I'm off to put the ravioli on and answer the phone some four flights away.

8:16: Back on the burgundy couch in time for O Canada, sung by a pretty enough blond with a decent voice, who gets off to a rocky start but is carried along by the Carolina faithful. It's good to see the network (NBC now) staying live in the arena during the anthems instead of cramming in another Dodge Ram or Heineken commercial (more on that in a minute, no doubt).

8:18: 'Canes fans chant something unintelligible at "red glare," not unlike Baltimore's "O's" at "oh say does that Star Spangled" and Red Sox "A-Rod, You Suck" pretty much all the time.

8:19:Your officiating staff for this evening, Referees Bill McCreary and Brad Watson, Linesmen Greg Devorski and Jay Sharrers, and Special Guest Referee Bill McCreary's Moustache.

8:20: McCreary does a Sammy Sosa-esque chest-tap-kiss-the-puck-point-at-the-wings-point-at-the-sky routine before dropping the puck, and Game Seven is underway.

8:21: Raffi Torres has been checked roughly 14 times, leading to some colorful words for the referee.

8:22: After a crazy minute and a half, Carolina defenseman Aaron Ward shoots through four Oilers and three Hurricanes and buries one in the back of the net.

8:23: Canes fans call for a penalty on a small hip check away from the play. If they think the referees will call that during a game seven, well, they're probably Canes fans.

8:25: Big hits from Recchi and Staal in rapid succession. They'd better be careful, lest they get too excited and

8:26: Minor penalty to Staal for goaltender interference. You can't check the man in the big pads, even if you'd like to.

8:27: Ales Hemsky tries to skate through two hurricanes, two sticks, four arms, a bear trap, and some quicksand.

8:28: Pronger mortally wounds Kevin Adams with a shot, Canes kill the penalty and press the attack. This has been an absolutely furious 7 minutes. You couldn't ask for anything more.

8:28: Former Tomas Klouchek memorial award winner Radek Dvorak makes his presence felt by firing a weak shot off the leg of a Canes defender, and we head off to commercial break.

8:32: Dodge, Bud Light, Please drink responsibly. Don't drink and drive. Dodge. and we're back in the Oilers end.

8:34: The sideline reporter (ice-side reporter?) repeats that this is the first time we've seen Peter Laviolette change out of a matchup in these Stanley Cup finals. One hesitates to point out that the Canes led 3-1 after four games.

8:35: Edmonton presses down low, leading to a few nice saves from Cam Ward (no relation). Commercial break.

8:36: Coors Light. I'm beginning to wonder where my girlfriend is. She's bringing the beer.

8:38: Cole cuts off a Breisois-esque Steve Staios pass, leading to a two-on-two break and a holding penalty on Edmonton.

8:40: Former New York Islander Roman "The Hammer" Hamrilik launches a rocket into the blocker of Jussi Markonenn, leading one observer to wonder, How is that deal working out, Mike Milbury.

8:41: Perfeclty timed cut to FNYI Coach Peter Laviolette on the Canes bench. In a sarcophagus on Long Island, Mike Milbury quietly spins.

8:42: Oh my god, a burglar!

8:42;05: Nope, my girlfriend Jill, beer and ice cream in hand!

8:50: Carolina power play, even though NBC just showed five replays of a Carolina player punching Chris Pronger in the face.

8:55: Steve Staios makes a diving save and covers the puck, preventing a goal. Steve Staios is not a goaltender. However, because of a delayed penalty call for a beautiful elbow on the other end, there is no penalty shot. Edmonton goes down two men with four seconds and change to go.

9:01: Still talking, still talking. Puck drops, period ends. We head into commercial break (Sunday Night Football!) with Carolina leading One nil.

9:08: John Davidson sitting in front of a monitor with John Davidson and a monitor with John Davidson and a monitor with John Davidson and a monitor with John Davidson...

9:09: Attention NBC, the dark splotch you just highlighted as "the puck" is "the corner of the net." Had Steve Staios fallen on top of the net, I would have been impressed.

9:10: Kelly Clarkson, two albums and a motion picture. Reuben Stoddard, one album, rivalry with en fuego Clay Aiken. Taylor Hicks, Ford commercial during the first intermission of the NHL finals.... followed by a commercial for the Maryland Lottery. And Kentucky Fried Chicken.

9:11: Why does Kentucky Fried Chicken use Sweet Home Alabama for its theme song? Has anyone investigated this?

9:14: Don't I wish my girlfriend was hot like Heinneken Light?

9:15: Quoth Jill: "Wow, John Lovitz has fallen really far."

9:15:05: Quoth Jill: "And if Subway is trying to promote their subs as healthy, shouldn't they get a thinner actor?"

9:17: John Davidson smartly gets NHL Director of Officiating Steven Walkom, who looks at everything but the camera while explaining why there was no penalty shot on the Steve Staios miracle save.

9:19: Commercial for Tide to Go featuring Kelly Ripa in a restaurant, thus immediately losing all credibility.

9:20: Thus begins the second period.

9:23: Whoops, that was a goal. Carolina now has another thing in common with France.

9:25: Beautiful save by Maarkonenn leads to a quick break for edmonton and a faceoff deep in the carolina end...

9:26: ...which turns into a Carolina two-on-two break and another Spacek holding penalty.

9:26:05:... and a Frank Kaberle powerplay goal. Carolina goes up 2-0. More importantly, when did Kaberle stop going by Frantisek?

9:31: Attention NBC. For your Inside the Glass feature, please hire an attractive female sideline reporter. Not that the PC looking gentleman is doing a bad job, but

9:32: Are you agitating my dots?

9:32:05: My god, that line was spoken by none other than Mac Robinson, former court clerk for Harry Anderson on Night Court.

9:33: No sooner than I type "Mac Robinson" than Maarkonenn makes another eye-popping, groin-splitting save to keep Edmonton in the game.

9:34: Edmonton needs to score a goal posthaste. Because whoever scores more, wins!

9:36: Play stalls in the neutral zone. Did I mention that Jill brought ice cream? And beer?

9:36.05: Samsonov makes the kind of no-look drop pass I make in my men's league all the time. Like my passes, this one goes directly to the other team, leading to an odd-man rush.

9:38: I'm sure the swiss flag was for Canes backup goalie, and has nothing to do with the red-and-white colors shared by the Hurricanes and Switzerland.

9:39: I kinda wish Heinneken Light were hot like my girlfriend.

9:40: They've cut the "silly little fairy" comment from the dodge commercial. Now, the poor sap who gets turned into a stupid little fairy has no context. C'est la vie.

9:47: Jill and I discuss the philosophy of rooting, she siding with the "it's better to root for the underdog," I with the "I'm just rooting for a good game" doctrine. Oh, and Bud Light is always worth it. And there's nothing cute about the Dodge Caliber. Silly little fairy. Wallen goes off for hooking with three minutes and change in the second.

9:50: Big call here, Aaron Ward gets the axe for delay of game, the new penalty for shooting the puck directly over the glass. Edmonton has a 5-on-3 for nearly two minutes. Scoring might be a good idea.

9:50:05: Quoth Jill: "Man, that's pretty bad if they can't score when they're up two men." You heard it here first.

9:51: Ryan Smyth picks up a penalty for hooking, reducing the next minute to a one-man advantage.

9:54: Hurricanes kill the penalty, and thanks to the Smyth hook, have a one-man advantage for 59 seconds.

9:55: So far, we've seen one shot of the Hurricane's owner, two shots of the Hurricane's bench, and maybe three shots of the Oilers' bench, and zero shots of players' girlfriends and wives. Attention FIFA and NBA Broadcasters: The action is not in the owners box or on the players bench. Please stop showing Bruce Arena. Please continue showing Eva Longoria at your convenience.

9:58: The second period draws to a close, Carolina, two nil.

9:58:03: All I need is love. And a Chase Manhattan credit card. Somewhere, Paul McCartney quietly spins in his grave.

9:58:07: Eva Longoria dates Tony Parker, who comes from France, who had a goal stolen from them by a tough call, just like the Hurricanes. Attention NBC, please show Eva Longoria in the Carolina stands.

10:01: Bill Clement relates that Carolina is 8-0 in these playoffs when going up by two goals at any point during a hockey game. Also, they are 15-0 in these playoffs when outscoring their opponents.

10:08: Bill Clement asks the broadcast booth what Edmonton needs to do to get back into the game. Jill answers: "Score more goals". She's a quick study.

10:10: Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo hoo, woo hoo, woo hoo hoo

10:14: I kinda wish Heinneken Light was hot like Guinness. BRILLIANT!

10:15: Close up of Stanley Cup who-dat Chad LaRose.

10:16: Jill comments on the pointy chin of an Edmonton player, and the third period is underway.

10:16:05: Dvorak botches another close play straight off the draw, leading to a long Salo-killer shot on Jussi Maarkonenn. Faceoff deep in the Edmonton zone.

10:18: Edmonton takes Jill's advice. Franco "Stop Calling Me Fredo" Pisani roofs a bouncing puck over Cam Ward, leading Mike Emrick to wonder if Pisani will win the Conn Smythe.

10:20: Jill makes the save of the day, pointing to a shot of Oiler's coach Craig McTavish. And, like a halo behind his head, cleavage. In High Definition.

10:21: Edmonton presses the attack in the first five minutes of the third frame. They should be cautious, lest they take an undisciplined penalty or give the puck away behind their own net.

10:24: Pasta, beer, girlfriend, couch, hockey, ice cream, high definition TV. Have I died and gone to Heaven?

10:25: .... I was on the treadmill earlier.... perhaps I had a heart attack.

10:27: Jill asks whether some incidental contact behind the net is a penalty. I reply that, with 13 minutes to go in a one-goal Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals, you would have to pull out a gun and shoot someone on the ice to get a penalty.

10:28: I wonder if Damon Wayans and Bruce Willis are watching the game.

10:30: With 10 minutes left in the third and leading by one, Carolina seems content to sit back and let Edmonton Attack.

10:31: Carolina gets two quick shots on goal. You know, because I'm an idiot.

10:33: Chris Pronger hip checks Mark Recchi into the Stanley Cup parade.

10:35: Raffi Tores goes down, looking for a penalty. Judging from the replay, Torres did not get shot.

10:36: Bret Hedican goes off for shooting another player. Or roughing. It's rather loud in the arena.

10:37: Jill asks if she's agitating my dots.

10:39: Quoth Jill, now wearing an Edmonton sweater and hat, and a foam no. 1 finger, "c'mon now guys, lets get it going".

10:40: Edmonton are now "Jill's guys".

10:42: The new Passat: Getting impatient nancy boys out of trouble with large men in pickup trucks.

10:44: Cam Ward wins the Conn Smythe with just over three minutes left to play in the third period with a fantastic save on Fredo Pisani.

10:48: Edmonton pulls Markonenn with 1:14 left to play.

10:48:05: Quoth Jill, "Now if only Carolina pulled their goalie." I think she's stumbled on the Oilers' key to victory.

10:48:10: Edmonton calls a time out to plot how to remove Cam Ward from the game.

10:51: Empty Net goal by Justin Williams with a minute and change to go. Jill runs out to her car to change into her Hurricanes' sweater and hat.

10:51.01: Jill gives me a non-foam finger.

10:54: A small scuffle with about 20 seconds left to play, penalties to Torres and Williams for roughing and roughing.

10:55: Kevin Adams gives FNYI Coach Peter Laviolette a noogie with 15.1 seconds left. Five, four, three, two, one.

Carolina Hurricanes, your Stanley Cup champions.

Coming Soon! Robertus Reflects on Game 7, plus Robertus at the Bat!